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A Simple Guide to American Capitalism

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  • Give a starving man a fish and you’re a sucker. 
  • Teach a starving man how to fish and you’re a socialist. 
  • Sell a fish to a starving man for profit and you’re a capitalist. 
  • Tax a starving man for the fish he catches and you’re the government. 
  • Buy the lake, sell off all the fish in it for a quick profit and you’re a “private equity” capitalist (What man? I didn’t see a man!).   
  • Rent the lake for $1 from the Department of the Interior, sell all the fish in it to an international fish cartel that sells a fish back to a man for more than he can pay and you’re a petro-capitalist. 
  • Stock the lake with GM “franken-fish”, then sue a man when he accidentally catches one and you’re an agro-capitalist. 
  • Ignore a man trying to fish, pump all the lake water into plastic bottles, sell it by the case and you are a “Nestles” capitalist. 
  • Buy up all the shoreline around the lake, sell dock space through an owners association to a man so he can fish and you are a real-estate capitalist. 
  • Buy up the prettiest shoreline, sell fancy dock space to a man, charge him to fish from his fancy dock space and you’re a time-share capitalist. 
  • Buy and sell a man’s fish before he catches it (call it “fish futures”) and you’re a commodities trader.  
  • Sell insurance policies (call it “swaps”) to those who buy “fish futures” so they make money even if a man’s fish are tainted and you’re a hedge fund manager. 
  • Bundle a man’s tainted fish into “fish-backed” securities, disguise the smell, sell the bundles to pension fund managers, invest heavily in “swaps” payable to you when  everyone discovers the fish are bad and you are WALL $TREET.
http://www.DataDrivenViewpoints.com: Original post: January 10, 2012
Permission to reprint is hereby granted – Brian T. Lynch

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